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爱 & 友谊

Dating Tips for Finding the Right Person

Single and looking for 爱? While there are always obstacles to meeting the right person, these tips can help you find lasting 爱 and build a healthy, 有价值的关系.

Man with arm around woman, walking down the street as they lean into each other smiling

寻找真爱的障碍

Are you single and looking for 爱? Are you finding it hard to meet the right person? When you’re having trouble finding a 爱 connection, 人们很容易变得气馁,或者相信关于约会和关系的破坏性神话.

Life as a single person offers many rewards, such as being free to pursue your own hobbies and interests, learning how to enjoy your own company, and appreciating the quiet moments of solitude. 然而, if you’re ready to share your life with someone and 想要 to build a lasting, 有价值的关系, life as a single person can also seem frustrating.

对世界杯足彩app很多人来说, our emotional baggage can make finding the right romantic partner a difficult journey. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was no role model of a solid, healthy relationship and you doubt that such a thing even exists. 或者也许你的约会历史只是短暂的放纵,你不知道如何让一段关系持久. 你可能会被错误类型的人所吸引,或者不断地做出同样的错误选择, due to an unresolved issue from your past. Or maybe you’re not putting yourself in the best environments to meet the right person, 或者当你做的时候, you don’t 感觉 confident enough.

什么ever the case may be, you can overcome your obstacles. 即使你在约会的时候多次被炒鱿鱼或有糟糕的记录, these tips can help put you on the path to finding a healthy, 爱的关系 that lasts.

什么 is a healthy relationship?

Every relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. 然而, there are also some characteristics that most healthy relationships have in common, 比如相互尊重, 信任, 和诚实. In a strong, healthy relationship you also:

  • Maintain a meaningful emotional connection with each other. You each make the other 感觉 爱d and emotionally fulfilled.
  • Are able respectfully disagree. You 需要 to 感觉 safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to 解决冲突 without humiliation, 退化, or insisting on being right.
  • Keep outside relationships and interests alive. To stimulate and enrich your romantic relationship, it’s important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship, preserve connections with family and friends, and maintain your hobbies and interests.
  • 开诚布公的交流 and honestly. Good communication is a key part of any relationship. 当两个人都知道他们想从这段关系中得到什么,并且愿意表达他们的需求时, 恐惧, 和欲望, it can increase 信任 and strengthen the bond between you.

读: Tips for Building a 健康y Relationship

Reassess your misconceptions about dating and relationships

找到爱情的第一步是重新评估一些关于约会和关系的误解,这些误解可能会阻碍你找到持久的爱情.

Common Myths About Dating and Looking for 爱
误区一:只有恋爱了,我才能感到快乐和满足,或者有一段糟糕的恋爱总比没有好.

事实: While there are health benefits that come with being in a solid relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being single, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in.” Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. And nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.

谬论:如果我对某人没有一见钟情,这段感情就不值得追求.

事实: This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting 爱 do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and friends sometimes become 爱rs—if you give those relationships a chance to develop.

Myth: Women have different emotions than men.

事实: Women and men 感觉 similar things but sometimes express their 感情 differently, often according to society’s conventions. 但男人和女人都有同样的核心情感,如悲伤、愤怒、恐惧和喜悦.

Myth: True 爱 is constant or Physical attraction fades over time.

事实: 爱情很少是静止的,但这并不意味着爱情或身体上的吸引注定会随着时间的流逝而消失. 随着年龄的增长, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones, but emotion often influences passion more than hormones, and sexual passion can become stronger over time.

Myth: I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about someone.

事实: 你不能改变任何人. People only change if and when they 想要 to change.

谬论:我感觉和父母不亲近,所以亲密对我来说总是不舒服.

事实: It’s never too late to change any pattern of behavior. Over time, and with enough effort, you can change the way you 认为, 感觉, and act.

Myth: Disagreements always create problems in a relationship.

事实: Conflict doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. With the right resolution skills, conflict can also provide an opportunity for growth in a relationship.

Expectations about dating and finding 爱

When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, 世界杯足彩app很多人都有一些预先设定好的(通常是不现实的)期望,比如这个人的外表和行为应该是怎样的, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, 你过去的经历, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. 保留这些不切实际的期望会让任何潜在的伴侣看起来都不够格,也会让任何新的关系感到失望.

Consider what’s really important

Distinguish between what you 想要 和你 需要 在一个合作伙伴. 希望 are negotiable, 需要s are not.

希望 include things like occupation, 智力, and physical attributes such as height, 重量, 和头发颜色. Even if certain traits seem crucially important at first, over time you’ll often find that you’ve been 需要lessly limiting your choices. 例如, it may be more important to find someone who is:

  • Curious rather than extremely intelligent. Curious people tend to grow smarter over time, while those who are bright may languish 智力ually if they lack curiosity.
  • 感性而非性感.
  • Caring rather than beautiful or handsome.
  • A little mysterious rather than glamorous.
  • Humorous rather than wealthy.
  • From a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a specific ethnic or social background.

需要 are different than 想要s in that 需要s are those qualities that matter to you most, 如值, 野心, 或者人生目标. 这些可能不是你在街上通过观察一个人就能了解到的, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at a bar before last call.

什么 感觉 你的权利?

When looking for lasting 爱, forget what looks right, forget what you 认为 应该是正确的, and forget what your friends, 父母, or other people 认为 is right, and ask yourself: Does the relationship 感觉 正确的给我?

Dating tip 1: Keep things in perspective

Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. 把精力集中在你喜欢的活动上,你的事业,健康以及与家人和朋友的关系上. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, 这会让你的生活保持平衡,当你遇到特别的人时,也会让你变得更有趣.

[读: 培养幸福]

Remember that first impressions aren’t always reliable, especially when it comes to Internet dating. 要真正了解一个人总是需要时间的,你必须经历和一个人在各种情况下. 例如, 当事情不顺利或他们累了的时候,这个人在压力下能撑得住吗, 沮丧, 还是饿了?

Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings. 每个人都有缺陷, and for a relationship to last, you 想要 someone to 爱 you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person they 认为 you should be. 除了, 你认为是缺陷的东西,实际上可能是别人觉得古怪和有吸引力的东西. 脱掉所有的伪装, you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to an honest, more fulfilling relationship.

Tip 2: Build a genuine connection

The dating game can be nerve wracking. 担心别人会怎么看你,担心你的约会对象会不会喜欢你,这是很自然的事情. But no matter how shy or socially awkward you 感觉, you can overcome your nerves and self-consciousness and forge a great connection.

关注外在,而不是内在. To combat first-date nerves, 把你的注意力集中在你的约会对象说什么、做什么以及你周围发生的事情上, rather than on your internal 虽然ts. 全神贯注地活在当下将帮助你摆脱忧虑和不安全感.

很好奇. When you’re truly curious about someone else’s 虽然ts, 感情, 经历, 故事, 和意见, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. 你会比花时间在约会对象面前推销自己更有吸引力、更有趣. And if you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there’s little point in pursuing the relationship further.

是真实的. Showing interest in others can’t be faked. If you’re just pretending to listen or care, your date will pick up on it. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. 你的努力非但没有帮助你建立联系,给人留下好印象,反而很可能适得其反. If you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there is little point in pursuing the relationship further.

注意. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, 它们是如何相互作用的, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the 故事 they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.

[读: 有效的沟通]

收起你的智能手机. You can’t truly pay attention or forge a genuine connection when you’re multitasking. Nonverbal communication—subtle gestures, 表达式, and other visual cues—tell us a lot about another person, but they’re easy to miss unless you’re tuned in.

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Tip 3: Put a priority on having fun

网上约会, 单身的事件, and matchmaking services like speed dating are enjoyable for some people, but for others they can 感觉 more like high-pressure job interviews. And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting 爱.

Instead of scouring dating sites or hanging out in pick-up bars, 把你单身的时候想成是一个扩展你的社交圈和参与新活动的好机会. Make having fun your focus. By pursuing activities you enjoy and putting yourself in new environments, you’ll meet new people who share similar interests and values. Even if you don’t find someone special, you will still have enjoyed yourself and maybe forged new 友谊s as well.

Tips for finding fun activities and like-minded people:

  • 志愿者 for a favorite charity, animal shelter, or political campaign. Or even try a volunteer vacation (for details see Resources section below).
  • Take an extension course at a local college or university.
  • Sign up for dance, cooking, or art classes.
  • Join a running club, hiking group, cycling group, or sports team.
  • Join a theater group, film group, or attend a panel discussion at a museum.
  • Find a local book group or photography club.
  • Attend local food and wine tasting events or art gallery openings.
  • Be creative: Write a list of activities available in your area and, 闭上双眼, 随机地在其中放一根针, even if it’s something you would never normally consider. How about pole dancing, origami, or lawn bowling? Getting out of your comfort zone can be rewarding in itself.

Tip 4: Handle rejection gracefully

在某种程度上, 每个寻找爱情的人都要面对拒绝——被拒绝的人和被拒绝的人都要面对. It’s an inevitable part of dating, and never fatal. By staying positive and being honest with yourself and others, handling rejection can be far less intimidating. 关键是要接受拒绝是约会中不可避免的一部分,但不要花太多时间去担心它. 它从来不是致命的.

Tips for handling rejection when dating and looking for 爱

不要往心里去. If you’re rejected after one or a few dates, 对方很可能只是因为你无法控制的表面原因而拒绝你——有些人只是更喜欢金发美女而不是黑发美女, chatty people to quiet ones—or because they are unable to overcome their own issues. Be grateful for early rejections—it can spare you much more pain down the road.

Don’t dwell on it, but learn from the experience. Don’t beat yourself up over any mistakes you 认为 you made. 如果反复发生, 虽然, take some time to reflect on how you relate to others, and any problems you 需要 to work on. 那就放手吧. Dealing with rejection in a healthy way can increase your strength and resilience.

Acknowledge your 感情. 当被拒绝时,感到一点伤害、怨恨、失望甚至悲伤是很正常的. It’s important to acknowledge your 感情 without trying to suppress them. 练习正念 能帮助你了解自己的感受并迅速摆脱消极经历吗.

Tip 5: Watch for relationship red flags

危险的行为可以表明这段关系不会带来健康、持久的爱情. Trust your instincts and pay close attention to how the other person makes you 感觉. 如果你觉得不安全、羞愧或被低估,也许是时候重新考虑这段关系了.

Common relationship red flags:

The relationship is alcohol dependent. You only communicate well—laugh, 说话, make 爱—when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or other substances.

There’s trouble making a commitment. For some people commitment is much more difficult than others. 由于之前的经历或成长过程中不稳定的家庭生活,他们更难信任他人或理解长期关系的好处.

[读: Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse]

Nonverbal communication is off. Instead of 想要ing to connect with you, the other person’s attention is on other things like their phone or the TV.

Jealousy about outside interests. 一方不喜欢另一方在关系之外与朋友和家人共度时光.

控制行为. There is a desire on the part of one person to control the other, and stop them from having independent 虽然ts and 感情.

The relationship is exclusively sexual. There is no interest in the other person other than a physical one. A meaningful and fulfilling relationship depends on more than just good sex.

没有一对一的时间. One partner only 想要s to be with the other as part of a group of people. If there’s no desire to spend quality time alone with you, 卧室之外, it can signify a greater issue.

Tip 6: Deal with 信任 issues

Mutual 信任 is a cornerstone of any close personal relationship. Trust doesn’t happen overnight; it develops over time as your connection with another person deepens. 然而, if you’re someone with 信任 issues—someone who’s been betrayed, 创伤, 或者过去被虐待过, 或者是有 不安全的依恋情结—then you may find it impossible to 信任 others and find lasting 爱.

如果你有信任问题, 你的恋爱关系将被恐惧主宰——害怕被另一个人背叛, 害怕失望, or fear of 感觉ing vulnerable. But it is possible to learn to 信任 others. By working with the right therapist or in a supportive group therapy setting, you can identify the source of your mis信任 and explore ways to build richer, more fulfilling relationships.

Tip 7: Nurture your budding relationship

Finding the right person is just the beginning of the journey, not the destination. In order to move from casual dating to a committed, 爱的关系, you 需要 to nurture that new connection.

To nurture your relationship:

投资于它. No relationship will run smoothly without regular attention, and the more you invest in each other, 你成长的越多. 找一些你们可以一起享受的活动,并承诺花时间参与其中, even when you’re busy or stressed.

开诚布公的交流. Your partner is not a mind reader, so tell them how you 感觉. When you both 感觉 comfortable expressing your 需要s, 恐惧, 和欲望, the bond between you will become stronger and deeper.

Resolve conflict by fighting fair. No matter how you approach the differences in your relationship, it’s important that you aren’t fearful of conflict. You 需要 to 感觉 safe to express the issues that bother you and to be able to 解决冲突 without humiliation, 退化, or insisting on being right.

[读: Managing Conflict with Humor]

勇于改变. All relationships change over time. 一开始你想从一段关系中得到什么,可能和你和你的伴侣在几个月或几年之后想要的很不一样. 接受ing change in a healthy relationship should not only make you happier, but also make you a better person: kinder, 更多的移情作用的, 和更慷慨的.

Last updated: December 2020

得到更多的帮助

Relationship Search Tips for Singles – Ideas for where to meet other singles and find 爱. (南希·威臣,Ph值.D.)

Building a 健康y Relationship from the Start – Aimed at college students but universally applicable. (UT Counseling and 心理健康 Center)

健康与. 不健康的关系 – Aimed at college students but applicable to others. (University of Washington)

Handling Social Rejection, Mistakes, and Setbacks – How to cope with a fear of rejection as well as recover when rejection happens. (SucceedSocially.com)